Love is so often used to express just about anything from love of money, food, clothes, animals, places, things in general, and our relationship with them and to people. The types of love vary and depend a lot upon what kind of environment or upbringing we had. I know of a special love that is rarely identified by us until there is a thirsting for it.
I had some people come into my life at different times to show me a possibility of another way to live or the existence of a different kind of life and even give me attention that felt like my imagination of what love would be like. I was too young to do much about changing my life when this happened.
When I was younger I accepted the way things were. In my life, there was nothing different to expect, that was all there was. Love to me was just a word used to make us feel like we belonged and to carry out our chores and duties without really griping too much. We, like all children, wanted to believe we were loved and wanted. The closest I got to feeling loved was from an aunt I only saw twice and a strange lady who taught bible school one summer. How did I know it was love? It felt so warm and comforting; it made me so hungry for more. I don’t exactly remember saying to myself “this must be love,” but I knew it was something good to have.
My uncle’s wife was a big woman who loved children, but had none of her own, so when we visited her she took us up into open arms and hugged us with unreserved joy. I remember my parents taking them back to their house, and she would sit in the middle and my brother and I on each side of her snuggled next to her and slept contentedly all the way to their house. She was married to an alcoholic who beat her quite often.
She loved him. How could that be? How could she love the man that beat her? How is it we accept hate in place of love? She must have convinced herself that he loved her. She must have given herself many reasons for not leaving him. She must have lied to herself so often that she believed the lies. The pain of rejection is so hard to bear and so easy to want to escape. No one wants to know they are not loved!
There are many who are like that aunt, who looked for love and settled for the unrecognized imitation. If we look to the world to find our dos and don’ts, this will often only lead us to accept the false illusions of love offered by those who really don’t have any love to give. I, like many before me and after me, wanted so badly to believe that I was worth loving; that anything, even a lie would be grabbed and protected.
I had two really abusive husbands not to count the so-called boy-friends along the way. I did not know what love was, nor could I identify love from lust, need, or just not wanting to be alone at any cost. I was caught up with the worlds’ ways and society’s empty illusions of how to fit in. I joined millions of women and entered into a life of misery and disappointments.
I was disillusioned about love of any kind. I spent most of my life as a survivor of life. You could say for many years I just existed. I would tell people that my husband loved me, but I knew that was a lie. My first husband beat me when sober; the second husband beat me when drunk.
I knew that when my first born child was in my arms, I felt something that was new to me. Today, I don’t believe I felt love for the baby; just no hate was there in that moment, so it was new to me.
I had hated everything and everyone all my life so to not hate felt really strange. Maybe there was some hope for me after all? This state of mind did not last very long as it was up to me to be her discipline when she tested her surroundings and me. This is where I started wondering how do I know I am correct in what I am doing? I really did not, but I did not want to admit to this either. I wanted to be a good mother, while never really having any example. My children suffered through my learning years as I made my mistakes.
It took me more than forty years to realize I knew nothing of God’s love. That does not mean it was instant change or embracing of this new kind of love. It took me a long time to come to realize how much I did not know about real love. The world could not give me any answer to what love is that ever satisfied my needs. The world wants to keep you coming back even though it cannot give you anything of value. The world is set up to keep you empty and hungry.
So, how do I know what love is? I was blessed with God’s love in so many ways that it broke all the false myths, or illusions of love. I had to learn to see love with my heart not my eyes and ears. I had to learn to identify real love with actions not words. There are so many pitfalls to believing the world can give you love.
God is waiting for you to look with your heart and open it to his Love. He is the only love worth having. God’s love is: patience, understanding, compassion, forgiveness, forever, and free!
Barbara L. Gonzalez ponderland@charter.net
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