It’s so late now, and I cannot sleep. So, I write. My mind will not rest. I bounce from one worry to the next like a frantic grass hopper on hot pavement. I feel pulled from so many directions. So much pressure. Will I implode, explode, or shatter like glass and reflect in my tears as shiny tiny diamonds? Will anyone see? Would anyone care? What steps should be taken? A step forward could lead to success or a precipice. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel could be a train that will crush me beneath its force. Little eyes, bright eyes, and ancient eyes look to me for wisdom. And strength. I am tired. So many questions and solutions. So many sleepless nights. Numerous bills spread out fan my weary face. Be anxious for nothing I have been wisely told. “I’m fine,” I lie.
My beloved relationship asks me why I did not or will not give more. I cannot give what I do not have. My heart is stretched. I want to help all that I love, but I fall short. It is never enough. Never ever enough… Giving the key to my heart is not enough. Love is not enough. Sadly so… Empty nights and days stretch before me. Two separate paths, two dreams, and one realization. So many quiet tears in the dark.
After all of my hard work, education, and blind optimism, how did I get here? Why does so much effort call for so much more effort? I see others’ lives move so easily forward. Why not me? my heart cries. How do I go on? But, I will go on. I always do. Quitting is not an option. To quit is to be non-existent. Every day draws strength and character. Weakness does not become me. As a diamond grows in strength and brilliance under pressure, so shall I.
Sonny Shaw
Tags: Sonny Shaw
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