Dear Sal,
I am the mother of twin girls who are like night and day. They were friends and got along well until they reached Middle School. Now they can’t be in the same room without a fight breaking out. Honestly, I don’t like coming home from work at night for fear of the discord that I have to deal with. What do you suggest? These girls are ruining our once happy home.
Gemini Mom
Dear Gemini Mom,
There is never the easy teenage girl, and Middle School is the beginning of what can sometimes be an unpredictable ride. They are transitioning, finding who they are, and sometimes this highly hormonal time transcends hostility. I am assuming that because the girls were once close, they are directing their anger into where they consider a safe zone. Also, are your daughters always referred to as the twins? Perhaps it is time to look at and treat them as totally independent emerging young teens. Separate them in your mind, acknowledge each ones talents and interest. This will aid in their desire to grow as individuals, above all remind them that they will one day find comfort in being together.
Good Luck!
Sal
Dear Sal,
We were going to tell my parents, and drop the bomb, that my boyfriend and I are pregnant. When we sat down to talk to them, my father started lecturing us about respecting their premises and “whatever you do, don’t get pregnant!” We chickened out and didn’t tell him. After that, my boyfriend emailed my dad, and told him electronically. Is this too weird, or what should we do?
Dropping the Bomb
Dear Dropping the Bomb,
Electronically emailing news such as this is unusual, but maybe a new way of the times. But, go back and try again! You need to talk to your family. Communication is very important. Counseling is also important. Stay calm at all costs. Get the emotional support from both families. You should not be alone with this. Take this all slow and easy, but make sure to take care of your health and see a doctor. This is a big life’s decision, take your time and think things through. Good luck!
Sal
Dear Sal,
I am a new wife with a man I adore. Recently, he bought a beautiful puppy for me that I thought we would both be sharing in the raising of “our baby.” It all started out wonderful, but now I find that I am the one getting up in the night to take the puppy out. I am spending the most time and cleaning up of the puppy mess. I work full-time too. This is becoming a barrier between us. Should I fight to keep this puppy, or should I count this up for a loss? I am tired of being the single parent of this busy puppy.
Tired of Puppy Puddles
Dear Tired of Puppy Puddles,
Talk about it with your husband. It sounds like you jumped into this too quick, this responsibility of raising a baby puppy. It is not worth fighting over. You both are working full time, and it sounds like you do not have time to dedicate to this puppy. Count your losses, and put an ad in the paper. Consider it another learning experience, and get back to enjoying each other and your new marriage.
Sal
Dear Sal
I have been in love with my soul mate for almost 20 years. We are so compatible, and he is truly the only man that I have ever loved. The only problem is he is married. When we went together years ago, his children were young and needed him, I broke it off knowing that it was too painful a situation for everyone involved. As years went by, I often thought of him although I married and divorced; there was still a connection to my love. Well long story short, he contacted me after running into a mutual friend four years ago, he has raised his children and finally left his wife. The problem is-- he is still not divorced, even though he was in a loveless marriage for years and stayed for duty. I am at a point that I want to move forward. I want to grow old together; we have missed so many good years together. I don’t understand why he can not make this final move toward our future. What should I do? He is always there for me when I need him; he is my comfort and my joy. Do I need to end this?
Tired of Waiting
Dear Tired of Waiting,
What are you waiting for? Are you enjoying your relationship? Ask him why he is unable to make this final step, is it fear? Are there financial chains that need to be severed? Perhaps he has religious values that keep him entered into “until death do we part.” What ever the fence, he needs to jump it, and you cannot create that. Change always comes from within. For now look inside yourself and ask, am I happy? Does the situation cause insecurity, or is there a greater good in the union? It is not as important how you live as it is to be happy and satisfied in your life. That also comes from within; no one else can create that for you.
Good luck, and stop waiting! Embrace what you want in life!
Yours truly,
Sal
Dear Sal,
In this uneasy economy, I know I am very fortunate to have my job. But, I am growing very exasperated with the growing expectations of my boss. Recently, to save on money, my boss cut my work week from five days to four days. Well, this cuts me back about $500 per month. Then, he cancels the cleaning service and tells me and another female employee that we are now to clean the office. I thought he meant our work stations, but we are expected to vacuum, dust, and clean the bathroom. Being a maid was not part of my job description. The male employee was not asked to perform this new found requirement. Funny, hmm…Now, if the boss was making cut backs in his life too, I would probably feel a little better and would feel a team spirit that “We are all in this together.” However, he keeps up his lavish life style of entertaining and certainly kept his personal housekeeping service. What should I do? There are so few jobs out there; I know I can’t afford to quit.
Fed Up and Frustrated
Dear Fed Up and Frustrated
Don’t quit! You are right, there are not many jobs out there, and you are fortunate to be working. However, update your resume and start networking for other employment opportunities. Cleaning the office is insulting and chauvinistic especially when the male employee is not included. I would question your boss as to why the male employee is not required to clean. Perhaps suggest taking turns cleaning the office with the inclusion of him. However, be diplomatic. You don’t want to be another statistic in the unemployment rate. Good luck!
Sal
Dear Sal,
I am writing to you because I can’t talk to anyone I know about this. I probably sound very selfish, but here it is. My mother was barely making it for quite some time and has now lost her job. My father and she divorced when I was ten, and he has been out of the picture for a long time. Sal, my mother was struggling for as long as I can remember trying to make ends meet with lower level jobs. With the economy the way it is, she is unlikely to find anything and is about to become homeless. I am doing fine. I put myself through school, married well, and have two small children. I feel like a horrible person, but what could I do if she has no where to go? I feel like it is a burden and life is not supposed to work like this.
Better Off
Dear Better Off,
You’re right, life should not be like this, but it is! Good hard working people who believed the dream are now facing unemployment and loss of homes. Many are learning to come together as families to pool resources, and helping one another is a great strength that no one can lose from. How about mom moves in, it can only enhance her grandchildren’s lives. It sounds like she was always a good mother who gave you everything she could. That can be a huge advantage to you to have her doting on your children. Studies have shown time after time that extended family living creates a healthy lifestyle with a strong foundation for children. We are told to look for opportunity in adversity; I believe this is your opportunity! Good Luck!
Sal
Dear Sal:
My life's road has not been an easy one. Partly bad choices and partly circumstance that left me with much heartache. I got pregnant when I was sixteen, and the 50"s weren't so fabulous for an unwed mother. My mother eventually consented to my marrying the father - mistake no. 2. It was not a match made in Heaven. He was never faithful and turned abusive. But, finally after three more children and putting up with the same treatment, I left him. His family had money; I had nothing, and my children were taken away from me. Then I married another man and helped raise his children, but he was an alcoholic, and once again, I had made a big mistake. My third husband turned out to be the love of my life, and we had seven good years together. But, he contracted cancer and suffered for years until he finally passed away. I was devastated, but in the ensuing years I have learned to be satisfied with my life and feel content. I still keep in touch with my children and feel calm and adjusted. However, I recently met a man that is attracted to me and would like to start a relationship. I can't help but feel skeptical; do I wish to get involved again? I've had so many heartaches, I don't know if I'm up to another heartbreak. This is a very nice man, and I really don't know what I should do. Can you help me?
Too Many Heartbreaks
Dear Too Many Heartbreaks,
Whoa! Slow down! He hasn’t asked you to marry him yet. Why not go out and have some fun? You live once. You are in your sixties. Enjoy the rest of your life. Give him and yourself a chance. If it doesn’t seem like it’s working, go your own way. If it does work and you’re both happy, what are you waiting for? Because you have had three heartbreaks does not mean you will have four. Maybe this is your turn for happiness. Live your life to the fullest. Good luck!
Sal
Dear Sal,
My mother is driving me crazy. I have a new baby and have read everything I can; I belong to an active group of mothers with young children. I feel that I am a capable loving mother. However, according to my MOTHER, everything that I am doing is wrong, or she has a better way of doing it. Last night she actually moved me aside to take over when my baby was fussy. I hate to avoid seeing her, but I don’t need the stress.
I’m the Mama
Dear I’m the Mama,
I believe we have more going on here than a know- it-all grandma. Perhaps, that is the first steps-- acknowledge her beloved position as the grandma. That is a very special relationship for your child to have, do not sell it short because of a lack of understanding that you and your mother are experiencing. Explain how you feel, ask her to limit her advice, and once in a while go the extra mile in patience and thank her for some of the knowledge she is sharing. With a little understanding from both of you, this child will reap the benefits of both a loving competent mom and a loving caring grandmother. This can be a win-win situation.
Sal
Dear Sal,
My husband and I are in a dilemma. We were both working. Now, he has been laid off from his job of seven years. He is staying at home watching our child while I go to work. I am now pregnant with our next child and need my insurance from work. Daycare is very expensive. My husband makes more on unemployment than he would if going out and obtaining a minimum wage job—if he could find one. If he was working at a lower wage, we could not afford daycare, bills, or our rent. His work ethic has always been to work. What do we do? Unemployment will run out eventually, and where will we be? I know a lot of families are facing this same dilemma. What will happen to us?
Stressed out family of the age
Dear Stressed out family of the age,
Yes, you are sharing in this same dilemma as many families across our nation. Plan for your future. You are right. The unemployment will run out. Keep doing what you are doing for your insurance and to pay the bills, but your husband needs to think of a career change and put it into motion. Start the plan. Go to school, trade school, online school, which he could do at home with the child; just put the new dream in gear. Change often is a good thing and brings remarkable and unexpected results. Take the plunge! You can do this! Good luck!
Sal
Dear Sal,
I am telling you my dreadful secret. My family and co-workers have no idea what I am going through. In 2007, I refinanced my home, I wanted to remodel and take a great vacation. I had plenty of equity to draw from, eventually I learned that I was in a bad loan. I was paying interest only and getting nowhere. As the interest went up, so did my payments. What a nightmare, my job has reduced earnings due to lack of sales, I have no reserve savings, and my mortgage is strangling me. I have been getting notices from the mortgage company that I have been stacking in a drawer unopened. I just want to keep my house, and I don’t know how.
Vacation Over
Dear Vacation Over,
When a refinance is done, it should only be to improve the property and never for the purpose of a vacation. Remember, equity is a valuable commodity and should not be spent unwisely. Now that you know the loan is impossible, have you tried to refinance? How is your credit? Many are dealing with staggering credit scores and can not refinance. If you have an opportunity to get off of your existing loan, that is your best option. Never ignore a creditor or your lender. You need to take an adult pill and start making calls. When you begin action, you create results.
Most communities offer seminars on how to face these financial hardships. Call your bank and see if they can refer you to one. Find a mortgage broker that you can trust, interview them. A good one is gold. They will give you a wealth of information. Above all do not freeze or give up, hope provides opportunity.
Good Luck! I wish you the best.
Sal