I Just Don’t Feel Like It!

How many times a day could this be said or thought? I must have felt it all the time without even needing to hear it in words. Yes, this was a common condition with me from childhood up through my adult years. I don’t think I ever really questioned why I did not want to do something, I just did not feel like it, and that was all that was needed to stop me. How can a feeling control our every action so completely? Easy!

As we grow in an environment that is oppressive and hard, we hunt for some sort of comfort or some sort of compensations and even false attempts at control over our situations or control to lessen the cruelties, and harsh life. We don’t really see this for what it is, other than to say it comes as an automatic response to the world we are living in at the time. I can’t really remember feeling like doing anything for anyone. You could say it was a common condition for me at any given time while growing up.

There is more to it than just forgetting to do something, there is a hidden crippler attached to this process.  Every time we give into the feeling of not wanting to do what is asked of us, we lose a chance to be selfless, or push ourselves to sacrifice and do for someone else. I did not always forget to do things my parents or teachers asked me to do. I did however get punished for not remembering to do it. “I forgot” was not a good enough excuse for my parents. My mother’s famous statement was, “I will not be punished for your bad memory!”

Memory that is tied to emotional events or resentment is one that becomes conditioned over time to do what seems right, but does not really know what is right. My memory never failed me when I thought of the ugly things done and said to me in my growing up. I have a vivid and clear memory as to who I hated and what they did to deserve this hatred. “I don’t feel like it” also is a form or sign of depression or deep resentment that robs of us any desire to do anything at all. When surrounded by those who really have little regards for you, you become deadened to motivation to perform any thing for others especially those you hate.

I seemed to find ignoring things easier and easier as I grew. Punishment was not a motivation after a while. It was given warranted or unwarranted and just caused me to become more sneaky and secretive. I learned to lie with the best and found my desire to anything for my parents totally dead. This was carried into school with teachers that seemed to have the same dislike for me. Out of thirteen years in school, I only aspired to do for two teachers. They liked me and that was enough to give all I had to give. How simple could that be? Just like me and I did everything to keep you happy.

There are times we are ill and out of sorts where not wanting to do something would be acceptable, and even more commendable if you did it anyways. I refer to the conditioning that we don’t recognize as a thief that steals our power to be selfless, to go beyond our feelings. It is the absolute most important attribute needed to become sacrificing and selfless for serving God. When we serve our emotions or feelings, we cannot get ourselves out of the way to serve God. I woke up in my early forties to see how selfish I had become.

Years of hardened self centered, selfish living for that wrong master, was in need of change. This selfish example carried into my children as well!  Their only hope of change would be to see me change. It was when they could see me differently and recognize that when I did what I did not want to do, without hating it, I was becoming a better person. I have tried to teach by example in the last seventeen years. I could not give to myself and serve God at the same time.

I stopped listening to the feelings and ignored them for the sake of others and my Father in Heaven. If not ill, how I feel no longer has the same power of conditioning over me. These are just a few of my skeletons that roll around in my walk-in closet. I pull them out to shine the light of reality on them in the hopes others will find some benefit from my understanding.

Barbara L. Gonzalez ponderland@charter.net