Intimate Strangers

Lying in the darkness, heart pounding, I pull away and face the wall. That accusing wall which bears the wedding picture of a smiling couple, and I sigh… The proof of a happier era frozen in time. Rhythmic breathing beside me. I am alone. Holding back tears, I realize I have sold out. Again. We are intimate strangers.

How did we get here? Miles of emotional distance lie between me and this sleeping man. This stranger. Who is he now? We don’t know each other any more, and it doesn’t matter. Years of marriage have gradually eroded the level of concern. Seasons of memories made with the children—without him. Always alone. Impassive cold man, possessing the sympathy of a rock. Loneliness weighs on my soul like a dark cloud filled with rain. Ready to burst.

Why do I stay? His touch is ice, and there is no warmth in his shifting glance. A hidden man with many secrets. My diamond shines coldly in the moonlight, and I reflect. Children are fed and clothed. Bills are paid. Our routine is our steady work and measure of success. But without love, is this not a house of cards? It is all a lie. In the quiet of the night, warm tears roll silently.

What next? Do I step out on my own? Can I lead my children with wisdom and strength in a broken home? Will it crush the melody of their childhood? Do I keep this façade until they are grown? Should I continue this bitter dance with this intimate stranger, this prelude to divorce?

In the early light, I stand at the kitchen window and look at the sleeping houses below me. Slowly one by one, a light is turned on, twinkling warmly in the distance.  Sleepy people are waking, rubbing their eyes, and planning a new day. It is my turn to do the same. With new resolve growing in the morning light, I realize my solitary path with my children will be difficult, but I can do it. My love will keep me strong and true. Swiftly moving forward, I close the door forever on the darkness of the room where the intimate stranger lies sleeping-- impervious. I tiptoe quietly up the stairs toward radiant beams, kiss my children awake, and tell them it is time to rise and shine.

Sharon Robinson