About a Year

When the end of a year is at hand, many of us take some time to reflect on what we expected from the twelve months that have passed. Did we accomplish those goals we set out for ourselves? Heck, did we even start on them? What indelible mark upon the universe did we leave behind to say, “I was here!”?

For me, 2008 was a bust in terms of achieving my detailed and well laid plans for paying off my credit cards, losing those stubborn 20 pounds and meeting the man of my dreams - but what it did hold for me, I could not have imagined. 

From the time I was given my first box of Crayola 64s (with the built-in sharpener), pulled out Midnight Blue and learned to squiggle lines resembling letters, I was an author. I wrote, illustrated and published my own books. At five, I was writing joke books (largely plagiarized from the ones checked out of the San Mateo Public Library). At six, it was advice books (The Secrets of a Happy Marriage - a gift for my babysitter’s wedding shower); and at the ripe old age of seven, I even wrote an unauthorized biography of Howard Hughes, my mother’s employer.

I loved being able to turn thoughts into words, and then see those words turn into pages. They were physical, tangible moments in time that I could go back and look at, over and over again. 

When I discovered Rock & Roll at ten, a whole new universe opened up before me. There was something magical and magnificent about how the sound of a guitar could make me feel happy in one moment, melancholy in the next. I picked up my mother’s guitar and started rewriting the lyrics to all my favorite songs – replacing Stevie Nicks’ words with my own. 

But that was a long time ago… My dreams of life as an author or musician made way for more realistic pursuits like Business School and a “traditional life” that included a career and family. Deep in my bones, however, I felt untrue to myself for turning my back on my creative energies.

That changed about a year ago, when a friend introduced me to an editor who was developing a collection of short stories about women in their 40s reflecting on life. I was reluctant to take on the challenge being put before me – I was busy with all that career and single mom stuff, didn’t consider myself a “real” writer and didn’t know what I should write about. My friend encouraged me, however, and convinced me I had a compelling story to share.

With only five days before the deadline to craft a story (and zero experience responding to a “Call for Submissions”) I chose to write about a key moment in my life as a young girl when I gave up my love for guitars and instead started down the path of doing what others expected of me. I labored over the piece a little each day, feeling the words pour out of me as they had when I was a young girl, liberating and energizing me with each keystroke until I finally hit the “send” button at 11:59 p.m., the day of the deadline.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long on those pins and needles to hear the decision. My first short story, Strung Together, was selected to be included the anthology Knowing Pains: Women on Love, Sex and Work in Our 40s . Mine was one of 32 essays chosen from nearly 100 submissions. I couldn’t believe it, I was about to be published!

The book that resulted is humorous, thoughtful and at times heartbreaking. It is written by the women that are all around us. Some are professional writers, many are not – but the reality is that each of us has a story to share from which we can learn.

The message in my story is that it’s never too late to reinvent yourself or pursue that thing in life you’ve always wanted to achieve…whatever it is. As the book’s subtitle suggests, we are “old enough to know better, but young enough to do something about it.” I also wanted to encourage young women to be inspired to pursue their soul’s dream from the moment they conceive it and feel it – rather than wait for someone to give them approval to do it.

Two-thousand-eight may not have been the year for me to get back into those skinny jeans or pick out china with a new boyfriend, but it turned out to be the year that I would get to leave my mark in this world and accomplish that childhood longing of becoming a writer. My words will be sitting on a shelf telling my story long after I’m gone, and just maybe, those words will reach the right person at the right time and give them the push to do something they’ve always wanted to do.

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Knowing Pains is available at www.knowingpains.com and Amazon.com. One hundred percent of all book profits are donated to Breast Cancer Action, www.bcaction.org, a national watchdog organization that carries the voices of people affected by breast cancer to inspire and compel the changes necessary to end the breast cancer epidemic to support breast cancer education and advocacy.

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Ana Ammann is a business consultant, music journalist and advocate of women in the arts. She coordinates Portland’s “Support Women Artists Now” (SWAN) Day celebration, and contributes to the leadership of the Siren Nation Festival, Portland Women’s Film Festival (POW Fest) and ROCKRGRL Music Conferences. She is working on her first book about British post-punk bands from the ‘80s and is starting a foundation called Girls & Guitars to provide free guitars, music instruction and mentorship to girls in underserved communities between the ages of 10 and 15 across the country.

By Ana Ammann