Missing Richard

“No, what are you saying? I can’t believe it!” My hand gripped the receiver as my brother-in-law poured out the news.

“Richard is dead, stone-cold dead! I found him in his car, motor running, a whiskey bottle, the doors were taped up…He’s gone!” his identical twin choked out these devastating words.

The world tipped sideways, my heart froze, and I knew life would never be the same. My best friend, my brother, was dead by his own hand. I thought there had to be a mistake. Denial. How could he have done that when I was working just a few blocks away? I would have been there. Why didn’t he call me? Richard!!! My mind screamed, how could you do that to all of us?

I was flooded by memories. Richard and I driving, getting lost at every right turn, sharing poetry, Richard playing Superman with my son and telling him “Dumpy Dog” stories, baby-sitting with me, tolerating with a smile children throwing up in his lap, and always laughing and making crazy faces. No more Richard with all the Hawaiian shirts, costumes, and wearing Russian coats and Cossack fur hats.  Richard was the Pied Piper of all the children in the family, and I knew I would never forget the year he bought all the children in the family harmonicas and what a crazy hilarious noise that was. It was all over, and I had to tell my children. I knew life would change, and it did.

Richard yanked himself from this life and took a part of every family member’s hearts with him. Denial, anger, grief, finger-pointing, and “if-only” set in. The funeral remains a blur to me—all of us in Hawaiian shirts expressing our love for Richard. All of the family estranged or not, together, for a tragic event. His ashes were spread over a mountain from an airplane his brother flew, and we watched in dazed shock, our hands outstretched as if to catch the last essence of Richard as he floated gently to the ground.

What was the catalyst that drove him to that last act of despair and hopelessness? No note was left behind. His departure remains a mystery, and those who knew and loved him will be forever missing Richard.

Written by Sonny Shaw

Resources about suicide:

• Suicide Awareness Voices of Education | www.save.org
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline| www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org