What Did I Ever See In Him?!

This is a universal question by women who have a commonality that transcends every language in the world. What makes us so ready to believe we know what a man is really like just because we find ourselves comfortable with him? Could it be that we pretty much have the same fantasy about them? Could it be that we want something so bad we train ourselves not to see the warning signs?

More than likely it could be all of these reasons and many more. Why are we so blind when it comes to the big flaws that he has for everyone but us to see? I met my first husband walking the cruising strip in Southern California. In 1965, this was a whole lot safer then, than now. It was the only way for us girls to meet boys that did not happen to go to our school. It was looking outside of the proverbial box for our dates.

I had been chain gang raped by the time I was seventeen. The guys who raped me were still attending my school as juniors and seniors. I was not inclined to want to be around anyone who went to my school. I looked to other guys for my premature hunting of a mate. Why are we looking for guys when we have no idea what we really want them to have as character traits?

We are following the rituals of society that sets the parameters of when and what we need to do to fit into our social society. It was expected that in high school you will find and marry the man of your dreams. You will graduate and both work on buying a home and starting a family. This sounds soooo good! There were television programs to further this myth. While on one hand you are raging with hormones gone wild, you are still trying to fit the picture of what was expected of you.

I don’t know about all of you, but I do know that more than just me was facing this same dilemma. What do I have to do to get the right guy? What is the right guy? How do you know the right guy? There are so many doubts and questions that never really get answered by reality, more by hormones than any thinking. I just kept dating and hoping that I would know Mr. Right when ever or if ever he came along.

I got married to the first man I willingly slept with. I got pregnant and then married. The year that I dated him was turbulent, and we had many disagreements that should have made a reasonable case for not marrying him. I kept telling myself, or should I say lying to myself that it would get better. We would overcome this. All marriages have problems at first. He can be changed to be a good husband and father.

Who is kidding whom? I made all kinds of irrational and un-realistic deals with myself on his behalf. He never really knew what I thought. As he turned out to be an alcoholic, gambler, and druggy, oh yes and one more thing, he was a sadist when sober. When drunk, he was mellow and funny. He used to plan his revenge a year in advance for sins I committed without knowing.

I sought him out in the beginning for his strength and willingness to deal with problems. I thought him to be a strong man. Does control freak mean anything? I was inexperienced and naive to say the least. He wanted a report of every minute of every day. I was not allowed to leave without his permission. This is but a small portion of a six year tour of duty. He finally got an 18 year old pregnant and wanted her and a divorce.

This set me free from marriage, but still enslaved in my mind with all of the degrading and abusive conditioning. I was divorced in 1973, and by 1974 I was strongly hunting for another partner to help secure me and my daughter. I hated and feared being alone at night. A thousand words do not allow time to acquaint you with 60 years of existence and what is learned.

I found the second Mr. Right who was straight from Mexico. He had a tiny amount of English, steady work, and night school to further learn our language. He was very quiet and appeared to be shy. He also was on the WAGON when I met him. Yes, he was an alcoholic also. I did not know this until we dated for six months. He showed up drunk, and then he confessed that he was trying to quit drinking. I was already too far gone in my comfort zone of him being with me. I decided to marry him anyways.

He was not abusive until we were married, and he stayed drunk most of our first year of marriage. That was when I found he was mean sadist when drunk, while guilty and quiet when sober. The same stick just the opposite end. Why did I not recognize what was wrong with these men? What did I ever see in them that blinded me to all of the red flags waving in front of me?

I saw security in lies! I ignored the reality and opted for let’s make a deal with door number one or door number two, or I will have door number three. We for the most part have an unreal idea of what we think we want. Where did we come up with our list of qualities for our husbands to be? We watched movies, we watched TV shows, and we watched what our peers did and still came out with the short end of the stick.

We did not sit down and grab our fears, and face them. We did not sit down and add all of the flaws that would cause problems. We did not wait for a proper courting time necessary to know each other beyond physical attraction. I say that we jump into abusive relationships, because we did not wait to find out if we could be best friends first, then life mates.

I have learned after thirty-six years and two marriages, that I did everything according to modern society acceptance, not once was it done by God’s rules for our society in fellowship with Christ. I grew up in those two marriages and raised seven children to love God, respect time and being chaste while courting your future mate. To all women, never put a time limit on getting to know your men. I could never put all that I learned here, so for those who want to know a little more or a lot more of what I learned, contact me at ponderland@charter.net Grace Seeker and please put in subject line womenspeakonline.org so that I will not delete or I can retrieve from spam folders, thank you.